April 2011
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It’s the rehearsal day of the skies. Unwell, I’m sitting in bed by the window with a book and tea, watching:
The dark rainy sky rolls in and out, puffy cotton clouds bloom in its wake, and the sun, our prima ballerina, appears in brilliant arabesque. The birds sing out in delighted applause, places are retaken, and a new darkness forms on the horizon.
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“The unendurable is the beginning of the curve of joy.”
– Djuna Barnes, Nightwood
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The grimmer things get, the more I dream. The cracks are starting to show and I have nightmares every night now, but I’m having more beautiful daydreams than I’ve had in some time. I sometimes have this feeling that for all the years of dreams, eventually one or two must come true.
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“To make myself understood and to diminish the distance between us, I called out:...”
– Rainer Maria Rilke, Stories of God
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We visited my Nana last night in the Blue Mountains. She gave us homemade strawberry ice-cream and passion fruit slice. We went running through the long grass at sunset, gathering sticks, and had a giant bonfire. I sat right under the milky-way, staring at the stars, and it was something light-years beyond beautiful.
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Lastnight I dreamt that under the forest floor was a big glass tank that led to the ocean and I learned to swim with dolphins and baby seals and a killer whale even though I was afraid.
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In the times when my world turns to grey, I begin to dream. I used to dream and cry; now I cry less. I am a quiet, watery dam called Calm that must not be disturbed lest the cracks start to show and worse.
I’m cultivating quiet, delicate, patient crafts: hand-sewing, reading, writing, making breakfast just so, navigating this ship ever so carefully through still and silent waters. Ever so...
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The Girl in the Storm
(By Ben Loory)
There once was a girl who was lost in a storm. She wandered this way and that, this way and that, trying to find a way home. But the sky was too dark, and the rain too fierce; all the girl did was go in circles.
Then, suddenly, there were arms around her. Strong arms— good strong arms. And they picked the girl up and carried her away.
When she woke, she was lying...
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Memory # 005
Before I had to leave, he gathered me up in his arms and said, “Everything will be alright. You know that, don’t you? Everything in the whole world will be alright.”
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I’m in Australia now. I boxed up my room & the window & the woods and am traveling with them all inside. We chased the darkness across the world and I don’t feel too terrible at all.
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I’m forming an addiction to writing letters with a dip pen & ink on fine cotton paper.
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Look at What the Light Did Now - Little Wings...
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He: Everyone blames him. Do you blame him?
I: No, (a pause) I don't.
He: You love him. You can't blame someone you love.
I: No.
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Well, I’m leaving the country next week. There’s no saying for how long. I really should be planning practical things but I’ve got my head in the clouds instead - reading, watching the birds & deer, re-learning Latin.
What would you take if you were leaving for some extended period of time? I’m thinking books, clothes, pens & paper, camera… what are the...
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Every day I hear a different story about my future. Today the story goes that I’ll go to Australia for 2 or 3 weeks and then probably come back. Yesterday I was staying in America & the day before I was leaving for good. I’m doing my best to winter through it.
I have a confession: I’m scared to go back to Australia (especially on such short notice) because I currently look...
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Dewey's 24-hour Read-a-thon is this Saturday! →
http://24hourreadathon.com/
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Rilke just kills me and kills me and kills me in the best way.
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“Be ahead of all parting, as though it already were
behind you, like the winter...”
– excerpted from XIII by Rainer Maria Rilke, in The Sonnets To Orpheus
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Does anyone else get incredibly sad at night-time?
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Terrible things are happening in the mines of my heart. Beams are shifting. Canaries stopped singing.
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I just said something to myself I didn’t expect to ever hear again: Let’s go looking for adventure. Oh good gracious, I thought those days were gone. (Am I really growing back?)
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Fill in the blank:
A girl needs ____________.
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